Bionic Mamas

you're not losing a vagina, you're gaining a son


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Heavy Lifting

Hey there, internets. How are you?

Things are basically fine around here. We’ve gotten several chances lately to spy on the bean, who seems to have arms and legs and a steady heartbeat. It even *moved* while we were watching last Monday — a kind of quick sit-up, prompting my mother to observe that it obviously has genes not from our family.
The reason we’ve been getting so much screen time is more nerve-wracking. I keep bleeding. First was the two weeks of brown spotting leading up to the wedding. Once I’d gotten used to that, it turned pink, starting just before the sit-up look-see. A few days of pink, and I was feeling pretty proud of myself for learning not to panic at every trip to the bathroom, so my body upped the ante: bright red blood, and plenty of it, in the middle of the night.
PANIC.
After the long wait until the OB office opened the next morning — I didn’t see much point in waking up whoever was on call, since there isn’t much they could do about it if I was miscarrying and at least one of us ought to get some sleep — another scan. Less cute time looking at the bean, more v.e.r.y. slow examination of the ute, after which Sweet Sonographer said she didn’t think there was any blood flow from in there, so it is probably my sensitive-soul cervices. (Why no one has cranked open a speculum or two and taken a look, I don’t know.)
More brown spotting, plus a new, sandpapered sensation in my upper hoo-ha regions; a period of self-imposed, er, pelvic rest. Things seemed to be settling down. And then I cut the cheese.
Sugar and I belong to a hippie food coop (*the* hippie food coop, really) of the sort where all members work. (Well, almost all members — as the underemployed member of the household, I do both of our shifts.) When we toured the place and entered the food prep area, our guide said, “this is where we cut the cheese. If you join the coop your job might be cutting the cheese.” Naturally, I signed up at once.
It’s not all fun and games. Besides cutting the cheese, I wrap it, weigh and label it, and carry it upstairs in grocery baskets. Because of summer school and the wedding, I am behind several shifts, which jeopardizes our access to Waldorf-educated kohlrabi, so I made one up yesterday. I was careful not to fill the baskets the way I normally would, but instead to go up when I had ten pounds or so ready. I had them ready at waist-height, and carried them held against my body, for minimal strain, as my back has been unreasonably testy these past few weeks.
After my 3-hour shift, I found a huge streak of red in my underpants. Slightly more controlled panic. Hovered in the public but uncrowded hallway, left a message with the nurse, did some speedy, highly disorganized shopping (extra shallots? Yes. Trash bags? No.), took a cab home. Nice Nurse called back and said that since the bleeding stopped quickly, I should just rest and stop lifting “heavy” things.
Relief, of course. Followed by a nap. Followed by some feelings of pathetic worthlessness.
I like being pregnant. I like how it feels, for the most part. But while I am hardly a tower of physical might, I am used to thinking of myself as strong enough to manage things. I don’t like not carrying things, not being able to open the stubborn window. For that matter, I don’t like being so easily exhausted that I had to stop gardening after an hour the other day, when I had planned at least two.
I can live with being lazy, but I hate being weak.
Bah.