Bionic Mamas

you're not losing a vagina, you're gaining a son

Still here



I never write. It’s not because I don’t think of it (and you), all the time.

In the last year (and nine days), I’ve slowly regained my ability to speak coherently. I have flashes of being able to think. I hope I’ll be able to write again one day.

(I used to read parts of Virginia Woolf’s diaries in the summers. The most simultaneously heartbreaking and hope-giving part was watching her rebuild her brain after an episode of madness. Short sentence by short sentence. The weather. The natural world. A quick sketch of field workers viewed from a distance, from this woman who see such depth of detail in every social interaction, the history of the world in the path of a snail.)

The kids are fine. We’re fine. The Bean loves school. He and Jackalope plainly adore each other. She has 2.5 teeth, loves eating, can crawl really fast now. Today she napped in her brother’s bed.


I’m a bit FD, to use Bunny’s parlance. 

How are y’all?


On the train home from school, wearing my warm things because someone took his home by accident. Eileen Fisher Boys, we call this look.

4 thoughts on “Still here

  1. I’m glad that you’re getting better and that the kids are fine and happy. Hugs.

  2. Hi! Thanks for the update. Always nice to read your voice. Hope the positive trends continue.

  3. I am always, always glad to hear from you. I hope things continue to become easier, even in the tiniest of increments.

  4. I was thinking of you just before you posted this. EERIE. FOR ME. NOT SO MUCH FOR YOU. I was thinking, “why do I bother with this blog thing? Well, to connect with people like Bionic, I guess.”

    I’m so sorry about the FD. Your children are amazing. Look at that FAT, STRIPED BABY! And that BEAUTIFUL, STRIPED CHILD! I wish being surrounded by adoring stripey offspring were enough to take away grief and exhaustion and winter (Hello! Winter is here already! This is extremely nice!) and/or whatever else is amiss. I hope you keep rebuilding.

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