Bionic Mamas

you're not losing a vagina, you're gaining a son

Things I Do Not Understand: An Incomplete List


  • Why my child, whose sitter reports was so tired at the playground today that he refused to even get out of his stroller, will not take a nap. (Bringing our grand total of naps this week to zero.)
  • How the ever-loving et cetera I am supposed to deal with an infant and a toddler that won’t nap anymore.
  • Why people, in particular people which multiple children, think it is okay to tell me how awful my life is about to become. That ship has sailed, you know? Also, trust me, I am sufficiently panicked. The Bean hasn’t napped all week. Terror level: adequate.
  • Why several of my friends seem to think it is a compliment to tell me I don’t look pregnant. I can tell that they do mean this obvious lie kindly, but I can’t figure out what about it they think is kind. For the record, I look pregnant. Also, I really like looking pregnant, because I am happy to be pregnant.
  • Why the maternity clothes manufacturers of America believe I am in the market for cardigan sweaters that don’t close. You know what I have two drawers of at present? Cardigan sweaters that no longer close. At no additional cost!

Cardigan 3


Cardigan 2

Cardigan 1

  • What I am supposed to be doing in therapy, exactly. I feel tense the night before, like I’ve forgotten my homework. (Otherwise it is going okay, I think? Really, I think deciding to go has made me feel better — more decisive and in control, maybe? — than anything in particular that has happened in the proverbial room.)
  • Why there are little red blades of grass by this cow’s feet. Without that detail, this painting (part of the bovine waiting room at the therapist’s) is surreal enough, in a 1980s mall poster kind of way. Or maybe that’s not so much grass as the fringed remainder of the cow’s foot-stumps? Either way, it’s unsettling. Especially coupled with the albino decorative gourd and the tissues.

red grass

According to FTD, white chrysanthemums are how to say, “Sorry about your feet and/or apocalyptic hell-pasture,” with flowers.

13 thoughts on “Things I Do Not Understand: An Incomplete List

  1. I got two used maternity sweaters a few weeks ago. I wore them this week. They suck. I will be too big for them before Thanksgiving. The non-maternity sweater I’m wearing today is longer and does more to cover my belly.

    Motherhood Maternity, bite me.

    • FWIW, My mom ordered me a couple of nice pullovers from Seraphine. Not cheap, but actually nice — I find most maternity clothes are expensive and horrible-feeling. They were huge (vanity sizing? Or would I just wear a smaller size in general if I weren’t having to accommodate a big stomach when un-pregnant?), but I am hopeful they will be good in the smaller size. They are nursing-friendly (one more than the other); I don’t want to buy pullovers that will be useless once I’m having to whip a boob out, you know?

      On Fri, Oct 25, 2013 at 4:38 PM, Bionic Mamas

      • I had to Google Seraphine. Hi, out of my budget. I’ll look for them on eBay. I don’t think my mom will be buying me any maternity clothes. And if she did, they’d be cheap.

  2. tons at maternity at salvation army in clinton hill. i know, not politcally correct for even me to go there, but that’s another thread. also, goodwill on fulton, and it’s open 7 days a week.

  3. Brilliant observation about the sweaters. Seriously?!

  4. Bah, I hate when the iPad eats my comment :p

    When C1 decided to quit napping (age 3), he still required non-active quiet time. Early afternoon became his TV time. I don’t know how you feel about TV, but it was helpful to have an hour of quiet. I believe he got another half hour during dinner-prep time. So, under the daily recommended limit. (C2 was born when C1 was 2.25 yrs old.) Plus, there was a new-ish study that said educational TV can be beneficial! (I can’t find the original article, as I don’t have access to many scholarly journals. Hmm, perhaps through my library… In any case, here is the Times article: I limit the kids’ TV to mostly PBS Kids, with the occasional junk Saturday Morning Cartoons, Disney or Pixar movies, and such.

    C1 is now in 1st grade. He’s always been excellently behaved at school, curious about his surroundings, eager to learn, and very physically active. He reads Level 3 books to himself, adds and subtracts double digit numbers, and even corrects grammar from fortune cookies. I don’t think his daily TV time has been harmful. Plus, it a very effective discipline tool. “Please do as I ask, or there will be no TV tomorrow!” I don’t have to take it away very often.

    I found my second child to be much easier than my first. Though of course it’ll be an adjustment, I know you’ll adore the new addition to your family, and work through whatever hiccups come along. I’m sure you look lovely while pregnant 🙂

  5. Yeah, the “awful” comments are so strange. I guess they don’t know how much we want this, and how much more awful it could be…

  6. I dunno about the cow’s feet…

    Sorry you are getting such doltish comments about what’s to come and how you look. People who say anything to a pregnant woman about her looks other than “you look great/beautiful/etc!” drive me crazy.

    Bird stopped napping the day she turned two, so I feel your pain. We still make her have quiet time in the afternoon – books, puzzles (sometimes and iPhone!) and it helps us manage the day. Also, something I’d forgotten – babies do nap, a lot. IV still takes two really good naps each day, so that is good break time to get stuff done (eat, shower!) and pay attention to older kids. You’re gonna do just fine…what’s to come is wonderful. ❤

  7. The Egg stopped napping sometime during age 2 It was horrible. I still have flashbacks.

    That cow painting is seriously creepy.

  8. Something about pregnancy and parenting makes the filter people use in human interaction vanish in thin air. That said, in all honesty, and since no one asked me, having a second child is sometimes easier (I don’t almost die of worry because of a bout of fever and snot, and I am loads better of finding culprits, which currently are either teeth or colds). And other times, instead of following the logic “two children, double amount of effort needed to take care of them”, things go awry due to the synergy between the boys, and the effort is not double but three or four times greater. Seriously, I might as well try to dress up the cats and be on the time, at least they don’t take hats/shoes/scarves/mittens off while putting the jacket on the other octopus.
    Maternity clothing is silly, I bought only 3-4 trousers and one skirt for both pregnancies, and no tops, since I was perfectly able to wear what I already had (here was were my love for empire waste clothes came in handy). That included all the sweaters and cardis, reconverted into open-fronted ones. 🙂
    I am still wondering what that cow on a red background means. And why would anyone put that willingly on their wall. Maybe it was the result of a lost bet? Now, go say WHITE for a minute, and then say what the cow drinks. (Does it work in English as well? Did you say MILK? :-))

  9. Seriously, fuck those people telling war stories to pregnant woman. Fuck them. They suck.

    Also, maybe that horrifying cow picture is your therapists way of keeping people IN therapy…aka they now need help recovering from the image of a mutilated cow.

  10. Every time someone says something along the lines of “Oh, it’s good now, but it will be horrible later!” I wonder what is wrong with them. Actually, I think that they must be very unhappy, and be feeling the need to spread it around. Although I do sometimes tell first-time mothers-to-be that they will hate their partner and think the partner is doing it WRONG ALL WRONG it’s only so they’ll hear the second part: And that’s normal, and it will be okay.

    Quiet time: what I also do with my crazed, non-napping 4-year-old. I also refer to it as “Mommy Needs A Fucking Break And Maybe Some Wine.”

    Also, your cardigans no doubt have BUTTONS! These cardigans never closed and are therefore stylistically superior! (I don’t know.)

  11. Oh man. The no nap thing…it must be an unbearable hell. I am so sorry. And yes, imagining throwing an infant into that mix must be pretty anxiety-producing. I am thinking of comforting things to say, like “infants sleep through anything” or “things I really worried about, like putting them both in the same room, ended up working out fine,” but The Bean has presented you guys with some major challenges, so all bets are off, and some other person’s comforting things are probably just bullshit. That said, I’m a huge fan of having multiple children, and my life has NOT become a terrible nightmare. There are moments that suck, but there would be with one child. And oh, there are some moments that are so magical, like Bun Bun covering Bunlet with leaves while he laughed with pure joy… I guess I’m mostly hoping that Jackalope ends up being easier than the Bean, even if that still works out to HARD AS FUCK.

    You SAY you look pregnant, but how can we TELL unless you post another gorgeous photo of your fine self? Hmmm?!?!

    The open front cardi and the creepy ass therapist art gave me a much-needed snort.

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