Bionic Mamas

you're not losing a vagina, you're gaining a son

Optimism, Ahoy!


Hi, internets. Thank you for your many kindnesses in response to my last post. Progesterone and blogging really don’t mix.

I am feeling more optimistic today, and felt I should tell you that, so you at least see that these are mood swings, not just an endless sea of despair. I’m nervous to even post this, because, as some of you have pointed out, insisting I am not pregnant is partly a protective measure: if I admit I might be, I’m just opening myself up to be crushed when [grits teeth] IF I’m not.

Reasons for optimism:

  • am endulging myself in rereading Patrick O’Brian books, in celebration of summer’s arrival. (Hence the maritime metaphors all over the place.) This has nothing to do with pregnancy, but it’s cheering, all the same. I read most of the series during the Bean’s earliest days, and they saw me through some tough times. Stars in the heavenly crown of the intrepid librarian who snuck out an emergency exit and climbed in the window of a room closed for construction to get me my fix.
  • My nipples have been feeling funny, and maybe looking a little funny, too. I have not been pinching them. Very possibly this is just because progesterone has me so…figurehead-esque that my bra is hard-pressed to contain its inhabitants, but hell, at least my rack looks great.
  • My uterus feels funny. Okay, the progesterone gave me cramps all along, but there’s a steadiness to the aching that is maybe different? It just feels increasingly…full. I don’t think it’s constipation….
  • I’m drinking milk. I drank a lot of milk when pregnant with the Bean. In general, I drink more milk in the second half of cycle, and I might just be casting about for beverages to replace wine, but still.
  • Today, I can see (at least sort of) that this cycle’s not working is not the end of the world. It’s possible we could manage our travel to allow a July cycle (though if that means not getting to see my mom — the last leg of our upcoming trip — I’m not sure it’s worth it). It would cost a bit more to do a cycle after that, because my insurance will change, but not, as far as I can tell, an insurmountable pile of money. And it’s always been my theory that September is a terrific time to get pregnant, because then you never have to be pregnant in the summer. Or something.
  • Stay tuned! I will doubtless change my mind about all of this tomorrow! Beta Sunday*, after which point, I may be happier or sadder, but I will almost definitely be more sane.

    *I don’t plan to test early, because if it’s negative, I can’t stand the thought of going in for the beta. I tested early only the first cycle or two we tried, because even without a beta to attend, the “is it just too early?????” Is more mindfuck than I can handle.

    10 thoughts on “Optimism, Ahoy!

    1. Whoa, your beta is Sunday?! I’m sure to you that’s taking forever but to me that seems so fast! I’m glad you’re feeling better. I’m sorry I’ve been MIA (in blogland and IRL). I’ve got all fingers and toes crossed for you guys! I like the idea of you getting knocked up now and me in September 🙂

    2. I’m with the previous commenter. That beta date came up FAST!

      Good luck. I will be travelling at the weekend but will try to sneak on to see your news. I am so hopeful for you.
      PS. I am aiming to get knocked up in September once we are back from the UK, so we could always be cycle buddies if this round doesn’t work. But I bet it will!

    3. Love the nautical themed post and the realism that we can’t 100% jinx this process with somewhat, almost, positive thoughts. It’s eye opening to realize there is a middle ground between PUPO and def negative…beta does seem blessedly quick but…probably not for you 🙂 am definitely cheering you on!

    4. You are for sure pregnant, which is very exciting.

      Okay, maybe you’re not. But I suspect you are secretly with me on this one or you would have kept these very promising signs to yourself. Thank you for explaining your testing policy. I wanted to ask, but figured it was pretty clear that you weren’t going to test from the fact that you hadn’t tested.

      I think milk is good for acid reflux, too, yeah? Maybe not when it’s in your head, though… Anyway, I had a daily milkshake with my baby hoarding to keep the acid from burning me alive. Look forward to you drinking gallons.

      I haven’t read the P O’B series! I’m a C. S. Forester girl, myself. (Despite the fact that in my youth I had a grudge against Forester for being too close on the library shelf to E.M. Forster, who I actually wanted to read, and because this was before the internet, one would go to the library NOT KNOWING WHAT WOULD BE THERE. So constant disappointment.) But maybe a person can be both? Here ends the blathering. Hope that distracted you for 12 seconds.

    5. Hang in there!
      Glad to hear about the positive signs!
      And yay for books to get one through (or at least distract one from) crazy times. A big ol’ stack of YA novels has been the best coping strategy I’ve found for the TWW. I haven’t read Patrick O’brian, but he sounds worth checking out.

    6. Yay, positive signs!

      Whether it’s now or in September, I’ m certain that baby #2 will be pulling itself together soon.

      Good luck with the beta!

    7. Okay, pregnant or not, AT LEAST you got a librarian to break into the stacks for you. Which is totally awesome.

    8. Librarians are superheros. Also, I totally get the test early/negative thing. Time flies – even when it feels like it isn’t. Fingers crossed!

    9. *Hurtles in, distributes hugs and cocktails at random and lavishly, hurtles out, making supportive noises*

    10. It’s not wrong to be optimistic! After my first negative beta, my partner and I established a complicated relay, where the clinic would call me with results, I wouldn’t pick up, I would text her, she would hack into my voicemail and then call me with the results. I don’t know why it made me feel better to do it that way, but it did.

    Leave a Reply

    Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

    You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

    Google photo

    You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

    Twitter picture

    You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

    Facebook photo

    You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

    Connecting to %s