Bionic Mamas

you're not losing a vagina, you're gaining a son

On The Habits of Breeding Lesbians of South Brooklyn


For all your lesbian ornithological parody needs, click through to this piece I wrote for Rebecca O. Johnson’s erstwhile respectable blog, Urban Ecology.

It goes a little something like this:

1. The South Brooklyn Lesbian: Species or Race?
Much controversy surrounds the taxonomic status of Brooklyn Lesbians: should the Lesbians of North and South Brooklyn, concentrated respectively in Williamsburg/Greenpoint/Bushwick and Park Slope/Prospect Heights/Clinton Hill/Bed-Stuy and adjacent neighborhoods, be considered separate races of a single species, like the Yellow- and Red-shafted Flickers of species Colaptes auratus? Or are they more properly defined as two separate species, like Baltimore and Bullock’s Orioles, once thought types of Northern Oriole?

It is the position of this author that the Northern and Southern Brooklyn Lesbians must properly be separately named species of the genus Sappho. The two display marked distinctions in plumage and diet, with the Northern species preferring H&M ‘80’s nostalgia synthetics and Pabst Blue Ribbon and the Southern natural fibers, Dansko clogs, and whiskey-based cocktails.


In our natural habitat, the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. Note: salt water sandals are a common summer plumage variation, always reverting to clogs in the winter months. Think fall and spring warblers.

14 thoughts on “On The Habits of Breeding Lesbians of South Brooklyn

  1. It was seriously one of the funniest things I’ve read. I’ve been sending it around to people.

  2. Wait – you wrote this and I was obliviously tweeting about how awesome it was and completely ignoring you? That is flat out shameful. This is genius!

    • Yeah, this is the part where I hold my breath and let the two identities come into contact. Hi, curious students! Your paper is still due Monday, no matter how many lady parts I have!

      On Fri, Jan 25, 2013 at 4:16 PM, Bionic Mamas

  3. That was brilliant. I’m more familiar with the Boston area species myself, but methinks they are not-so-distantly related.

  4. I adore this piece. You could find a job wiritng similar helpful guides for the antipodean cities.



  5. I had no idea there were so many varieties of the the species, nor that their plumage was so distinctive.

  6. Haha! And there was me all innocent thinking I was among Just Other People, not an entirely other Species! The Botanic Gardens are a habitat. Ah! I feel all exotic by proxy.

    Well done, Bionic. More of this sort of thing!

  7. Your young are certainly ****exremely**** cute. Too bad about the flesh-eating crickets that plague your area.

    (Seriously, I was watching a nature show that was talking about some charming species that nested in the whatever and then…carniverous cricket plague and I was like OFF RIGHT FUCKING NOW! This is payback for that comment you left me about the tiger or something that could totally eat a baby. The end.)

    • oh, and here’s the t that was missing.

    • Fear not: payback was already received in the form of a child who demands tiger documentaries but cannot stand seeing any animals even threatened, let alone attacked or eaten, in said docu’s. (There are two, by the way, but one of them is mostly about a guy who dug himself a hole in Siberia to take pictures of tigers and has hardly any tigers in it. The other one will work until he realizes that tiger bones mean the backstory includes violence done to a tiger.)

      On Thu, Jan 31, 2013 at 8:26 PM, Bionic Mamas

  8. Hahahahaha! This is awesome! Thanks!

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