Bionic Mamas

you're not losing a vagina, you're gaining a son

In which I gaze thoughtfully into the depths of my psyche and discover that I am a murky pond full of duck-weed


Hi folks, Sugar here. In an attempt to relieve Bionic of the crazy posting frenzy that is November, here is a blog post about my weird brain!

A couple of weeks ago I friend asked me whether I was interested in giving birth to our second child. This was the first time I said out loud, “No, I’m not. I’ve really never wanted to be pregnant. It’s great that I happen to be in a relationship with someone who does.” I found that this was really difficult for me to say, and I did not feel good about it.

Uh oh. I am supposed to feel good about all decisions I’ve ever made, all the time, or I’VE FAILED. Or something.

I’m having a very hard time figuring myself out about this.

Here are some things that I know to be true:

  1. I do not, in fact, want to be pregnant. Rather the opposite. I used to have a nightmare in which I was supposed to get pregnant for a school project and nobody around me seemed to care about the rather major problems this assignment presented.
  2. I love the Bean. We are happy and satisfied with our relationship with each other.
  3. Bionic liked being pregnant. Baffling but true.

Here are some things I’m afraid of:

  1. Regretting this later. Will a bomb go off inside me when I’m 46 and I’ll be like NOOOOO WHYYYY DID I LISTEN TO MYSELF ABOUT THIS?
  2. Other people thinking I’m the lesser parent. I already have this problem (fearing that other people think this, not other people telling me this), so I guess I must have a fantasy that being the biological parent of one child would somehow justify my relationship to both.
  3. Feeling unwomanly. Again, I already have this problem. Apparently being gay is totally fine in my world view, but not wanting a baby bump is just over the top strange, abnormal behavior. I should get my head checked.
  4. Telling my mother. Just no. Maybe we can just wait until Bionic is 90 months pregnant and say to my mom, hey, what do you know, look at that?

On the whole, I’m not comfortable making a decision based on a bunch of fears. Hence our decision to have Bionic try to carry the next child. But I just keep worrying that I’ve missed something.

7 thoughts on “In which I gaze thoughtfully into the depths of my psyche and discover that I am a murky pond full of duck-weed

  1. you two are on a roll, I love this post too. This was a BIG discussion in our house too. I dont feel well qualified to describe how W came to the conclusion she did but I think she may have started off in a similar place, particularly on Fear #1 and #4.

  2. I hope that when you are 46 you will look at your beautiful child/ future children and say “These kids are wonderful. I’m so glad I never had to be pregnant!”

    It never occurred to me whether I wanted to be pregnant- I knew I wanted kids, but my spouse is male, so… me, or a bunch of unaffordably expensive options for no really good reason, or nothing. But honestly, especially now that I’ve done it twice, I HATED almost every minute of it, and if I could have acquired children without pregnancy, YES. In fact, my on-the-fence about a (greedy! I know!) third child is, can I bear to be pregnant again?

  3. It sounds to me like you know what you want, and like it happens to work out nicely with the practical facts of your existence. YAY. But yeah, I can imagine it feels like a rather irreversible choice, and it’s going to linger a bit. I think people have the right to want to be pregnant (just adopt! don’t be so selfish) or NOT be pregnant (you’re unwomanly!), and other people should just shut up.

  4. I never want(ed) to be pregnant. I have no qualms about this. Just as I was born without the “thing” that makes people have faith (thus, I’m agnostic), I was also born without the “thing” (maternal instinct?) that makes women want to be pregnant. It just is what it is. I love my son, but if my wife hadn’t wanted a child, we wouldn’t have children.

  5. My wife always assumed that she’d marry a handsome widower or something who already came with kids. She has less than zero desire to carry–and she’s a way better mom than I am. I just keep hoping that having the kids look like me means they think I’m doing a good job, because everything else is being taken care of by their other mother…

  6. I’m a very occasional lurker with no kids (got here blogroll-hopping once from a friend’s site) who is now too old (not by much) to have any choice about being pregnant. So I just thought I’d give you one person’s experience, which is that 46 or 48 or whenever doesn’t feel like whatever age you are now. It is possible to think yes, I did miss out on something many people find important — and to also know about yourself that you really didn’t have any interest in the project over all those many possible years. Remember it is not really a one time decision, if you wake up at 42 wanting a pregnancy that badly, you can find a way to do it. If you wake up wanting it at 47, you have a little chat with self and you know you made the right decision for you during all those other years when you really did think it through, and it’s really OK. I think it would have been even more quickly and obviously OK if I’d been parenting through all those years with someone willing to do the pregnancy part of the job. I would say, do listen to yourself now and honor what you hear.

    But I never quite so seriously had to deal with the part about telling my mother šŸ™‚

  7. Great post. As Trouble gets towards the end of her pregnancy with our first child, people have already asked us this. Although you would think that no one in their right mind wants to be thinking about the next pregnancy when the first child isn’t even through the birth canal yet, I have waded into my own psyche a bit. And I feel very similarly. I really have NO desire to get pregnant. Watching Trouble go through this, which I thought might make me want to do it myself, has in fact done the opposite– reinforced that I have no desire to do this part. But your fears, #1-#3 anyway, are definitely fears that I have as well. I think your conclusion, though, that making a decision this big based on fears is not the right way to do it, is absolutely correct. And I’m just excited to hear that you two are thinking about another šŸ™‚

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