Hi folks, Sugar here. In an attempt to relieve Bionic of the crazy posting frenzy that is November, here is a blog post about my weird brain!
A couple of weeks ago I friend asked me whether I was interested in giving birth to our second child. This was the first time I said out loud, “No, I’m not. I’ve really never wanted to be pregnant. It’s great that I happen to be in a relationship with someone who does.” I found that this was really difficult for me to say, and I did not feel good about it.
Uh oh. I am supposed to feel good about all decisions I’ve ever made, all the time, or I’VE FAILED. Or something.
I’m having a very hard time figuring myself out about this.
Here are some things that I know to be true:
- I do not, in fact, want to be pregnant. Rather the opposite. I used to have a nightmare in which I was supposed to get pregnant for a school project and nobody around me seemed to care about the rather major problems this assignment presented.
- I love the Bean. We are happy and satisfied with our relationship with each other.
- Bionic liked being pregnant. Baffling but true.
Here are some things I’m afraid of:
- Regretting this later. Will a bomb go off inside me when I’m 46 and I’ll be like NOOOOO WHYYYY DID I LISTEN TO MYSELF ABOUT THIS?
- Other people thinking I’m the lesser parent. I already have this problem (fearing that other people think this, not other people telling me this), so I guess I must have a fantasy that being the biological parent of one child would somehow justify my relationship to both.
- Feeling unwomanly. Again, I already have this problem. Apparently being gay is totally fine in my world view, but not wanting a baby bump is just over the top strange, abnormal behavior. I should get my head checked.
- Telling my mother. Just no. Maybe we can just wait until Bionic is 90 months pregnant and say to my mom, hey, what do you know, look at that?
On the whole, I’m not comfortable making a decision based on a bunch of fears. Hence our decision to have Bionic try to carry the next child. But I just keep worrying that I’ve missed something.