Bionic Mamas

you're not losing a vagina, you're gaining a son

Notes from Week 36


Item: Thank you for the nice comments on Sugar’s painting. The likeness is a tad off, but the boobs are exactly accurate. Um, Sugar? My face is up here.

Item: We had our last growth scan on Monday, and all is well. As Sweet Sonographer covered my midriff (sounds too cute…mid-raft?) with icy glop, I said lightly that she ought to make them buy her a fancy glop-warmer, like they have over at the high-risk place down the block. “Oh, I do have one. It’s over on the counter.”

I still love Sweet Sonographer, and it was cute that she tried so hard to find something adorable for us to see at this scan (we settled for hiccups, since the Bean’s face/dragon snout was obscured by its low position in my pelvis), but I must admit that her halo is a bit tarnished by this revelation.

Item: According to the u/s, which I understand has a remarkably enormous margin of error, the Bean weighs in at a respectable 5lbs. 7oz. at 36 weeks, which means it’s been listening to my chanting “over 6, under 9” at it. Good Bean.

Item: It has recently come to my attention that “0-3 month” size clothes (of which we have a respectable number) are not the same as “newborn” size clothes (of which we have none). What the hell is 0 months if not newborn? Do we need newborn clothes? How in the hell is a person supposed to figure these things out, anyway? And what hope have I of managing the actual work of raising not killing a baby if my limited brain power is being wasted on stupid clothing sizes?

Item: Thanks to Schroedinger, there are at least some diapers in the house. Lord knows if they’re the right size, but diapers I know where to buy.

Item: Group B Strep test was also Monday. The GBS test involves a vaginal and anal “swab,” which caused me much worry on Sunday, as Sugar had celebrated Valentine’s Day early by giving me the GI bug she’d had on Saturday. (Sub-Item 1: despite what you may have assumed, bouts of diarrhea are emphatically not improved by having someone kick at your intestines throughout. Sub-Item 2: Nor by things-we-are-not-calling-hemorrhoids.) I needn’t have worried. I scarcely noticed the butt part, so distracting was the vaginal aspect. “Swab” might be better described as “vigorous scrubbing with what appears to be an old mascara brush.” “Just wait until the cervix checks,” said Dr. Russian, with an evil grin.

Item: Dr. Russian loves shoes. On Monday, she was wearing black patent leather platform stilettos with wide ankle straps. They did complement the mood, I must say.

Item: I will not be in pretty shoes any time soon, as it’s all I can do to waddle around in clogs. Speak to me not of stairs, either. I am even taking what elevators (not enough!) exist in subway stations, despite the aromas inherent in that process. Today, an old lady cut me in line for one, forcing me to wait for the next round. It was a blatant cut, too, no simple misunderstanding. Those hooligans think they can do whatever they please, all tricked out and speedy with their canes.

22 thoughts on “Notes from Week 36

  1. I was confused by the newborn vs 0-3 mo thing too. It makes no sense. If baby obeys the over-7, under-9 rule, you will need newborn clothes. It's tough because they'll endure a lot of spit up etc, so you'll need a few, but you're right that they won't fit for long, so don't waste money on too many. Maybe 10 sweet tiny onesies? Crazy rapidly growing newborns!

  2. Yes, you need newborn clothes, but yeah, get a couple of packs of onesies and call it good. You'll go through three to ten a day anyway 🙂

  3. Haha, gotta look out for those hooligan grandmas! 😛

    Glad to hear everything is going well and that little bean is on target 🙂

  4. Old ladies, sneaky little things! Your bean needs to tell my bean to slow down on the growth scale, doc guessed 7.5 lbs at 36 weeks – OUCH! He better get here soon 🙂

  5. Good bean, good bean.

    Elevator (Well. Lift, I THINK you mean) pong? No, no. NO-ness.


  6. Those cane-wielding bastards! They're everywhere.

    Are you at least getting subway seats? At past 6 months I still either don't look pregnant or people are just jerks.

    Thank you for the heads up on the newborn clothes. I had not heard of that. The 0-3 months onesies look so impossibly small that I can't even really picture smaller clothing that would still fit a human.

  7. My 8 pound 13 ounce boy was swimming in his newborn outfit, so definitely buy a few of those. Diaper blowouts are inevitable at that stage, in addition to spit up.

    I once broke my leg right before a trip to Paris with my mom and sisters. So they rented a wheelchair to get me through the museums and such. All the elevators were filled with tourists who just didn't want to take stairs/escalators. My sister would just start screaming at them, that they didn't look handicapped! Hmm. No wonder they hate Americans.

  8. So glad to hear everything is going well.
    If baby ends up over 8-9 pounds you wont need the newborn clothes.. but I know you have no way of knowing that!! the exciting!!

  9. I'm already using the elevator at the subway station, aromas be damned. I know it's early and I can still move and even climb stairs, but I'm just so damned slow at everything. I wore shoes that had to be tied earlier this week. It was tough getting that done. I'm not looking forward to swelling…

  10. We recently bought a handful of newborn onesies, and I confess I've kinda been carrying one around at home, because it's SOOOO TIIIIIINY!!! But yeah, I think they will get used up very quickly (as your bean plumps up) if they're needed at all.

    I DON'T WANT MY ANUS SWABBED. Just putting that out there, world. But it's good to know it pales in comparison to the cervical reaming.

  11. Good bean. good, good bean. I say just get a cane yourself and outwit them! Maybe one of those ones with a little seat attached so you can sit on it, too!

  12. How did 36 weeks get here so fast? I think there is some time-warp-bloggy-thing going on.

    Glad that the bean is already proven to be a good listener!

  13. Glad to hear all is well with the bean and yourself. Wow- you are really getting close now!

    The newborn vs. 0-3 month sizing issue is a real pain because if bean ends up big enough, s/he won't fit the newborn clothing (or if s/he is really long). But otherwise they fit for a couple of weeks. Maybe try to get a bunch of onesies second hand from somewhere? Or as hand-me-downs/loaners from friends? They will seriously only fit for a couple of weeks (if that).

  14. Get some newborn stuff. I ended up needing preemie clothes to bring the girls home even though they were 6 11 and 7 11.

  15. Our merciful midwives let me swab myself. Gently. It probably wasn't very accurate but who cares.

    Bug wore the “newborn” size for, I am not kidding, a week and a half, at which point he weighed nine pounds and it was a lost cause.

    I think I read the error on ultrasound weights is +/- 30%. But hey! Your bean sounds great!

  16. What is this about anal swabbing?!?!?! Why have I not heard about this before?!?! Yet another pregnancy perk to look forward too 😉 I loved the mascara brush metaphor…too funny. Thanks for filling me in on the difference b/w 0-3 months and newborn sizes- I had no idea. Good thing I haven't bought anything yet. Geez. Good luck with the old cronies!

  17. Lol, we discovered the same thing in regards of newborn vs. 0-3 mo clothing. We have exactly 1 item of clothing (other than the 2 dozen onsies we received as gifts)in a newborn size. =0)

    I think this vigorous “brushing” you received must be your doctor. S(who tends to complain) was totally unfazed by her GBS swab last week…

  18. Don't worry about the newborn clothes – they grow out of them remarkably quickly anyway 🙂 We have, in fact, requested NO newborn clothes.

    Not kidding about cervix checks. I didn't use to mind internal exams. Now they suck. But I try to remember that something much larger than my OB's fist will be in that same space soon enough.

    Ummm, which cervix will they check, I wonder???

    Getting so close!! Wheee!

  19. kakunaa — i imagine they will check both. try not to be too jealous….

    dr. jenny — i've only seen 15%, but even that makes me wonder why they bother. giving the weight in grams is almost comical, given that. oh well. i'm choosing to believe that they're at least within 10%. it's not a rational belief, so nu?

    debbie — sometimes, on the subway seat question. opening the coat and ostentatiously thrusting the belly forward is key. no one who looks at me ever refuses, but there's a lot of pointed not looking on some days.

  20. They were spot on in ultrasound projections of Eggbert's size, for what it's worth.

    I never had the anal swab. I am officially thanking my lucky stars about that. Doesn't sound nice. They didn't swab my vagina either. Apparently, Koreans prefer to live on the wild side.

  21. Over here, the sizing runs roughly: Early Baby (5lbs<) Tiny Baby (5-7lbs) Newborn (7-10lbs) 0-3 months (10-13lbs) etc. You have already evaded the Bad Size - hooray! Don't know if you have/need washing-dryers down there in the heat? The hot-air-spinny things? Greedy on electric and horribly un-eco, but I know my limits and used mine all winter when Harry was small. They shrink laundry like a bugger: I couldn't figure out why H was growing out of his washed things so FAST, so I would scurry out and buy the next size up – which fell straight off him.

  22. 36 weeks already!? The GBS mascara wand scrubbing does not sound fun. With that and the glucose tolerance to look forward to, as well as full-bladder ultrasounds, well, yikes. What is with the sizing of baby clothes? My friend's daughter wears a 5T. Since when is age 5 a toddler? Maybe we should switch to the Hanna Andersson type centimeter measurement scale. Would probably confuse the hell out of everyone, though.

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