Bionic Mamas

you're not losing a vagina, you're gaining a son

Feeling Blue


When I woke up this morning, my boobs were no longer big and painful (nor as awesome-looking, I should add).

I don’t understand how that can be the case, when I’m sticking 200mg of progesterone up my hoo-has three times a day, but as it is exactly what happens three days before my period every month, I’m not exactly brimming over with happiness.

Beta is Saturday. Not planning to POAS before then, as the thought of having to go in for the test when I know it’s negative seems exquisite torture.

Yes, I know I have quite a few embryos in the freezer, but if I can’t get pregnant with that embryo, the one that looked like it belonged on a fertility factory website (and it did; the picture I put up here was fuzzy, but I saw it onscreen), and with my “beautiful” lining, then it’s hard to feel terribly hopeful.

19 thoughts on “Feeling Blue

  1. dont get down, those feelings come and go..its hard not to read into them, but…

  2. I know you're not in a place to feel hopeful right now, but fear not. The rest of us will hold that hope for you. It would be so wonderful if we could rely on our bodies to always give us accurate signs about what's going on, but if I've learned one thing from all these wonderful women in Blogland it's that you just never know. You have every reason to believe this is the one, boobs be damned.

    Sending lots of love and lots of hope to you.

  3. i'm not so sure less boob soreness is a reason to think you're not pregnant. i think we just find reasons to doubt because we can't let ourselves be hopeful. i'm holding on to hope that your perfect little blast is sticking around!

  4. Sending you sticky dust. Hope it works out for you.

  5. SHIT. Just to acknowledge the fact that you know your body, and while sore breasts don' mean nothin', non-sore ones might. So there's the pessimistic view.

    OPTIMISM TIME! You'll find plenty of stories of women who had exactly that experience yet were in fact pregnant. Apparently nothing means anything. (Nihilism time!) Happiness might be too much to ask, but don't despair!

    OTHER KIND OF OPTIMISM TIME! Implantation is a coin toss, right? So even gorgeous embryos are in the hands of fate. Thus should you be hit with the bad luck stick (and please please please let that not happen…), I don't know how much it means for your chances with a FET.

    In conclusion, I'm sorry for the distress you must be experiencing right now. This shit is HARD.

  6. Ahhhh yes, I can see the progesterone in your words. There really should be a term for the progesterone blues, something more specific than “depression” or “sadness” or whatever it's called.

    Holding your hand, hoping that you are on the progesterone a long, long time.

  7. I'm mustering up all kinds of hope for you. Boobs schmoobs. Maybe they just didn't get the memo yet that this time is THE TIME.

  8. Ugh– there's just no telling. I agree with your decision not to POAS… I had ZERO symptoms, except progeterone boobs– and yes, they came and went and came back with a sanity-defying illogic all of their own.

    Boob logic. Don't let it kick you in the ass. Enjoy your weekend and I have high hopes for that beta.

  9. Don't give up yet. I hyperanalyzed every possible degree of boob soreness once I was pregnant, and I was sure many times that I felt an ominous or sudden lack of soreness when they should be sore and that it meant the worst. Try to hold onto some hope for that beta! It's not time to throw in the towel.

    But, as you said, worst case scenario, you have more than a few embryos in deep freeze. That's some serious insurance.

  10. Shannon — how could you tell? Was it the hysterical weeping? 'cause I assumed the quilt over my head would muffle that a bit.

    Everybody — thanks. I will try to hold myself together. No big promises.

  11. Sorry you hit a rough patch with the wait. In my experience, no matter how hard you try to stay zen, there are always some excruciatingly difficult moments at the end of the 2ww. It usually made me feel like I wanted to die. (Progesterone induced melodramatic hysteria much?) Hang in there for the last few moments of waiting, an answer is near.

  12. Oh I hope hope hope it all goes well for you!

  13. I'll POAS for you! For real, I'm pretty hopeful. So you don't have to be.

  14. Oh, it's so head-wrecking. Poor you two. Much sympathy.

  15. Nothing means anything! I've had sore and not sore breasts and a -ve more time than I could even count, and even when it was +ve and ongoing the soreness came and went. None of it means anything.

  16. Dr. Baby Factory aka Dr. Monday got me pregnant. I hope you are too. For what it's worth, the day before I tested I was absolutely certain I was not pregnant at all. And now I've got 5 month old twins.
    Good luck tomorrow morning.

  17. Don't give up hope yet (I know it's a lot easier to say than do). I'm holding on tight to hope for you.

  18. Thinking of you and hoping you got fabulous news today. Hugs to you.

  19. I am just catching up, and I know at this point you have had your beta, and I'm praying it was good news. Seriously, 32 eggs??? No wonder you were uncomfortable!! How many embies did you freeze??? I hope it went well….thinking of you.

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