Bionic Mamas

you're not losing a vagina, you're gaining a son

An Ad for FedEx, In The Form of A Short Play


[Scene: Brooklyn apartment, summer morning. BIONIC is stuck inside, waiting for packages of refrigerated medicines to arrive via UPS and FedEx.]

[sfx: door buzzer]
BIONIC: Hello?
Voice Over: UPS!
BIONIC: Please come up!
[BIONIC presses door buzzer for a good minute, just in case.]
[Two minutes pass.]
[sfx: door buzzer]
BIONIC: Hello?
VO: FedEx!
BIONIC: Please come up!
[BIONIC presses door buzzer for a good two minutes, just in case. BIONIC opens apartment door, finds FEDEX.]
BIONIC: Oh, huh. Did you see the UPS guy by any chance?
FEDEX: Yeah, he just drove away.
So, yeah. I now have 40 coochie-bullets of progesterone and no stims, antagon, or trigger shot. I do have a UPS InfoNotice saying delivery was attempted.
Even the customer service lady at UPS agreed this was a good advertisement for FedEx.
UPDATE: Okay, several panicky/annoyed phone calls later, the UPS driver returned. And was totally nice and said he was sorry and so on — apparently the super was working on the elevator so he went to deliver a package next door. Which is reasonable (and thank goodness about the elevator, because I was bargaining with God in there just this morning), but how’s a girl to know?

10 thoughts on “An Ad for FedEx, In The Form of A Short Play

  1. My experience is that UPS tends to be incredibly lazy and does stuff like this on a regular basis. I've never had any problems with fed ex though.

  2. Aww, I was hoping you'd get to find out what happened if you injected the UPS notice–or better yet, stuck it up your cooch! Perhaps a baby in a little brown uniform!

    I have had the reverse experience–UPS has been good to me, while FedEx likes to leave a notice without even ringing the doorbell, which once resulted in my chasing the truck like a crazy woman.

  3. no worries, bunny! it turns out i didn't get the HCG, so maybe i'll get to trigger with the infonotice!

    (but this part actually isn't UPS's fault.)

  4. *snort* Since I'm nowhere near cycling (or intended parents, for that matter), I'm hanging all my hopes on your uterus.

  5. Wow. Dumb UPS guy, huh?

    We usually hope for UPS because we have a personal relationship with our driver, but FedEx is also okay. It's USPS that bites the big one for us.

  6. Hahaha, my husband works for UPS and knows a lot of the drivers, so i'm not surprised by this story at all. Though at his branch, they are on quite a time crunch, so any waiting (even if it's caused by a broken elevator) will get them in loads of trouble.
    But yeah, how frustrating for you anyway! Glad you finally got your meds!

  7. Oh SERIOUSLY! I cannot tell you how many times I have called 1-800-pick-ups (yes, by heart!) to bitch them out for leaving “2nd” and “FINAL” attempt notices without ever ONCE buzzing or even leaving a “first attempt” notice. Even the USPS is better. Don't get me going 😉

    Glad you got yer stuff though! Let's get this part started!

  8. Hey, FYI, I'm in bkln and have a spare trigger, in case you don't get that sorted in time. You can email me at kgsavoie… blah, blah… gmail.

  9. schroe, you are an absolute love. i'm fairly confident, after calls all around, that this will get sorted out in time, but it is such a load off to know there's a local back-up plan. <3

    also, yeah, this is how UPS is here in my experience (though i LOVE the guy with the route just west of us). by the way, the infonotice said delivery would be reattempted friday (not “in ten minutes”) AND the super was very confused when i casually mentioned elevator repair later. yeah.

  10. Hahhahahahaha You crack me up. That baby is going to be soooooo lucky. What a sense of humour.
    ( That's right- I went there- I am determined to spell old english style.)xx

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