Bionic Mamas

you're not losing a vagina, you're gaining a son



(I told Sugar I’d post something so her deer necklace would come off the top of the blog and people would go easy on agreeing with me about it. Heh. She should be grateful: now my loyalty has been aroused and I love the damn thing — I never thought it was hideous, just a little unbearably hipster-ish. Which it is.)

I have never felt less pregnant in my life. Even when there was no sperm at all in me, I felt more pregnant than this. My knees don’t even feel pregnant. True, I have no way of knowing for sure that I’m not, yet — it’s only 8dpo — but the whole idea seems laughable. In a bitter-laugh kind of way.

In a sense, this is easier than feeling hopeful, as I have in previous cycles. Much less up and down of the ol’ emotions when they just stay obediently down. Sure, I still get weepy, but at least I’m not coming down from feeling giddy and warm.

It does make my few tangible concessions to the whole “PUPO” fantasy — not drinking, not taking any real painkillers, not having (very much) caffeine — seem insane, though. Like I am playing some mad game. Like I am pretending my handbag is a kitty-cat and no one knows whether I know it isn’t.

6 thoughts on “Hopeless

  1. (((hugs)))I hope this is the one that shocks us all right down to our knees.

  2. Gah, I hate that you're going through this.

    I, too, hope that you shock the hell out of yourself (and all of us) with a BFP.

    Hang in there any way you know how. *hugs*

  3. I'm holding onto hope for you.

  4. (((hugs)))

    May the Great Unicorn fart upon you.

  5. Hugs to you and much hope coming your way.

  6. The one time I became pregnant, I didn't test until day 34 because I felt SO not-pregnant. I hope this not-pregnant feeling is wrong.

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