It was a fine idea, the idea I had, earlier this week, for a blog post. It was going to be about Unknowingness, and how surprisingly comfortable I was finding it, this time around. It was going to be about how during the last TWW, I couldn’t stop thinking about the binary possibilities — that I was pregnant or not pregnant — while this time, this calmer time, I was enjoying the peaceful, uncanny feeling of admitting the Unknowing into my heart, of thinking of myself not as either/or but as ? How thinking about what was happening in my body was like trying to see to the bottom of a too-deep pool of water, that my state is literally unfathomable, and how that was okay.
What a load of horseshit that was. Or rather, is.
I really did feel like that, at least part of the time, for 7 days. By 8, I was starting to feel a bit more invested in binary realities. And by 9? Yesterday?
Stark raving mad.
In the past 24 hours I have been:
2. not pregnant
3. riddled with cancer
4. pregnant with TWINS! OMG TWINS!
My breasts have been more swollen than ever, rapidly deflating, reinflating, and so forth. Sometimes they hurt too much, sometimes not enough. (Full disclosure: the hurting could be related to my constant grabbing to see if they hurt.) My ovaries are similarly mysterious.
I find myself typing things like “I’m not pregnant, am I?” into Google, expecting a useful response. (And, following links, finding instead a dilemma: does one give medical advice about infertility to a 17-year-old and her boyfriend? How about to a 17-year-old who doesn’t know the most basic things about how and when ovulation works? Is it judge-y not to? Plenty of people think I shouldn’t get pregnant, after all….)
And the uterus? Naturally I scrutinize its every twinge, most of which are probably gas. I AM SO PREGNANT, I decide. Then, for a thought experiment (for I am nothing if not scientific), I decide to spend five minutes thinking about my left knee as closely as I have my ute.
I AM PREGNANT.
IN MY LEFT KNEE.
I AM GOING TO HAVE THE WORLD’S FIRST KNEE-BABY.
And you can all say you knew me when.