Bionic Mamas

you're not losing a vagina, you're gaining a son

A Fine Idea


It was a fine idea, the idea I had, earlier this week, for a blog post. It was going to be about Unknowingness, and how surprisingly comfortable I was finding it, this time around. It was going to be about how during the last TWW, I couldn’t stop thinking about the binary possibilities — that I was pregnant or not pregnant — while this time, this calmer time, I was enjoying the peaceful, uncanny feeling of admitting the Unknowing into my heart, of thinking of myself not as either/or but as ? How thinking about what was happening in my body was like trying to see to the bottom of a too-deep pool of water, that my state is literally unfathomable, and how that was okay.

What a load of horseshit that was. Or rather, is.

I really did feel like that, at least part of the time, for 7 days. By 8, I was starting to feel a bit more invested in binary realities. And by 9? Yesterday?

Stark raving mad.

In the past 24 hours I have been:
1. pregnant
2. not pregnant
3. riddled with cancer
4. pregnant with TWINS! OMG TWINS!
5. menopausal

My breasts have been more swollen than ever, rapidly deflating, reinflating, and so forth. Sometimes they hurt too much, sometimes not enough. (Full disclosure: the hurting could be related to my constant grabbing to see if they hurt.) My ovaries are similarly mysterious.

I find myself typing things like “I’m not pregnant, am I?” into Google, expecting a useful response. (And, following links, finding instead a dilemma: does one give medical advice about infertility to a 17-year-old and her boyfriend? How about to a 17-year-old who doesn’t know the most basic things about how and when ovulation works? Is it judge-y not to? Plenty of people think I shouldn’t get pregnant, after all….)

And the uterus? Naturally I scrutinize its every twinge, most of which are probably gas. I AM SO PREGNANT, I decide. Then, for a thought experiment (for I am nothing if not scientific), I decide to spend five minutes thinking about my left knee as closely as I have my ute.





And you can all say you knew me when.

6 thoughts on “A Fine Idea

  1. Heeheee. It is impossible not to over-analyze every little twinge your body gives off when in the tww. I'm pretty sure I've been knee-pregnant a time or two before, too.

    OMG the agony of waiting…hurry up, rest of the 2ww…

  2. Just stoppin' by to spread a little mo' love during the tww.

    Hell, I don't even have a uterus, yet I still imagine pregnancy symptoms (FAIL).

    I hope you and Sugar are able to love on eachother lots this weekend to help pass the time.

    p.s. I'm pretty much in love with you Etsy store. I think I may have to purchase a customized kitty stamp.

  3. I am so with you… although I have not thought about either knee, at all.

  4. I have so been there. Hoping that you are in fact pregnant although not necessarily in your knee.

  5. What? You mean my knee can't get pregnant.

    Damn. You just ruined it for me.

  6. Shannon — it's just that your knee can't get pregnant FIRST. because my knee is already pregnant. with twins.

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